Remember last year, when I accidentally froze the house bc it was winter and I felt really hot in my room?
yo gettin married at 22 sounds a lot like leavin a party at 9:30 pm
I shouldn’t hate her. And I don’t. She just drives me mad because she laughs at all of the things I want to take seriously and scrunches her eyebrows in anger when I laugh at whatever situation I find wildly hilarious. I know I’m not even frustrated with her. I just feel stressed about everything and I can’t really stop it. And that’s stressing my out about other problems that won’t be solved until I stop stressing out about them. And I don’t know. None of this makes sense. I’ll go to sleep now.
and if I must be alone, then I will wear it with pride.
I will drink my orange juice, while fishing out the pulp with
a fork and forget that I ever let myself conform to
your silly desires. I will walk around my apartment
shirtless and stop at every mirror to admire
my love handles and stretch marks,
because I am fucking beautiful and you never told me
this enough. I will throw out all of your mail
and hope the neighbors stop by for extra
eggs or flour, or whatever neighbors want,
just so I can tell them that I am alone now
and laugh when they stumble to find the right words
to comfort me. You were the only one who could comfort me.
Everyone knew this.
and if I must be alone, I will not cry every night
because the bed is significantly colder when you are gone.
I will not keep your large t-shirts just to have your smell
linger on my skin a little bit longer. I will not read your piss-poor excuse
of a goodbye letter anymore and wonder what I did wrong.
What did I do wrong? I will open the windows instead of letting
the sound of your footsteps echo throughout these hallways.
I will not dial your new girlfriend’s number at four in the morning
just so I can hear you pick up the phone and answer with
that groggy voice of yours. I will not remember the first time
you told me you loved me. I will not make that groggy voice
what I hold onto when I must be alone. I will try to fall out of love
with you. I can not make any promises.